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I know you do.

[Just...let him take your hand and squeeze it a little, okay.]

You've always been good to me, Jaeger. I'm...sorry for worrying you tonight.

[He'll return that immediately. He's a lot more relaxed now, even though the conversation wasn't exactly easy.]

It's okay. I know you like to talk these sorts of things out, and given the topic of the post I probably should have expected that... I'm glad you're doing okay, though.

I find it helps me to discuss them. It doesn't trouble you, does it? Outside of the initial concern things like that tend to bring with them.

No, it's fine. It usually helps me to talk through difficult things like this as well, I just don't like doing it on Retrospec.

I like hearing the others' thoughts on it; it tends to help me come to terms with my own.

[...]

You aren't the only one insisting on calling me a good person today, you know.

[That gets him to brighten immediately; it's really reassuring that someone else is calling Wesker a good person, even if he's still not going to listen to them. Maybe numbers will eventually overwhelm him...? Probably not.]

I'm glad I'm not the only one! Who was it?

It was Kei.

[So don't...get your hopes up, it was Captain Questionable saying it, but...]

He was talking to me about how souls are malleable, and mine is...kinder now, than it was.

[Well, okay, so we can't win them all—]

...That's an interesting thought.

[Give him a moment to figure out how to word it; there's something about this that he's been thinking about.]

I don't know how malleable souls are, but your circumstances are certainly better than they were in your past life. That's not to say you've had it easy or anything of the sort, but...

[Hang on, he's getting sidetracked. He shakes his head and tries to focus again.]

You're much different than you were in your past life, that much is obvious. But I wonder... how much of that is because of the changes your soul has gone through and how much of that is due to a completely different life here?

I'm honestly not sure your soul could have changed so much between your past life and this one. I know how that sounds considering your past life, but hear me out. Your past life did terrible things and hated everyone, ja? But what would you have been like in that life if your circumstances were different? Would you have still pursued the same goals? Would you have still hated everyone?

I don't think so. Obviously no one can say for certain, but I like to think that your past life could have been a bit more like you are now had his circumstances been better. Kei may be right, souls may very well be malleable from one life to the next. But it makes more sense to me that we'd retain some part of ourselves, even if it isn't necessarily obvious.

[...]

Ah, but that's not to say that your past life should be excused from what he did because of his terrible past. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. This is just a bit difficult to explain...

[He's quiet for a moment at that; he'll take all of it in silently, just...trying to process it, and he thinks he understands what Jaeger is trying to say.]

You don't think it's inherent evil, so much as circumstances that made me that way back then. Is that it...?

Yes, exactly. It's possible I'm wrong, and I'm certainly biased and want to be optimistic, but that just makes more sense to me. If your soul had been inherently evil in your past life, it certainly wouldn't explain how you are now.

[He holds up his free hand as if to keep Wesker from interrupting. Not like he's really giving you much time to jump in here, but...]

Even if you don't consider yourself a good person, you're not a terrible one, ja? So could a soul really change that much between lives?

I like to think there was a chance for you to turn out at least somewhat similar to how you are now. Maybe it wasn't a very large chance, and it certainly wouldn't happen given everything you went through in your past life. But that makes more sense to me than believing that your past self was "evil" while you're not.

[...It's...honestly good to keep Wesker from cutting in; he normally doesn't, but that's the sort of thing that he really wants to argue and everyone here likely knows that. He falls quiet again, though, even if he's kind of keeping his gaze low, the gesture obvious even despite the dark glasses he always has on; he's bristling a little bit, but the reaction is more anxious than angry - he doesn't know what to do with this sort of thing, it's not striking him right, and it's making him feel strange and overstimulated, particularly with how deadened his reactions to things have been lately.

After a while, though, he manages to find words, though he still isn't looking at Jaeger when he speaks.]

...I don't have any memories of anyone being genuinely kind to me, back then. Not until I was out of the facility and interacting with normal people; I was in my thirties by then. But before that, there wasn't...anything like that, for as far back as I can remember.

[Jaeger doesn't interrupt, he lets Wesker process it quietly. He doesn't really like remaining silent for very long, but this is a lot to take in. His grip on Wesker's hand has tightened at some point during that, and he doesn't loosen his grip any even once he's realized it.]

It's terrible you had to go through something like that. I'm so sorry. But that sort of thing really is why I think you could have been similar to how you are now. You were put through so much and it obviously shaped your personality in a completely different way.

...Plenty of people have difficult lives, Jaeger.

[It's obvious that this is digging at him, though; it quickly becomes evident that he's had his eyes closed, a vague orange glow making itself known behind the lenses when he opens them again - it isn't still, either, it's obvious that he doesn't know where to look, his gaze shifting a good amount.]

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't.

[The eyes are still creepy and he's honestly glad that orange glow isn't fixed on him, but he's not really focusing on that right now.]

Yes, plenty of people have difficult lives. But there's a difference between "difficult" and what you went through in your past life. I'm sure you could ask everyone involved with Retrospec and not a single person would have had an experience as terrible as yours. That doesn't excuse your actions, it was just a horrible thing to go through.

Those decisions were still mine.

[It's evident that this is stressing him out, but he can't even really articulate why - it's obvious that he doesn't know what he should be doing or saying to this, and his gaze continues to shift awkwardly, like he's having difficulty focusing.]

I still chose to kill all those people. To try to kill everyone. I don't...

[He pauses for a moment. Shakes his head.]

I was broken, perhaps, but it feels more like I was just defective.

[Jaeger wants to move closer, to pull Wesker into his arms or at least establish more contact, but he honestly doesn't think it'd be appreciated right now. That's the sort of thing that comforts him, not Wesker.

He refrains, but his grip on Wesker's hand is very tight.]

Obviously I can't say with any certainty whether you were defective or not, but I really don't think you were. You had been so hurt by everything that happened to you... I don't think anyone could have gone through something like that and turned out even halfway okay.

Yes, those decisions were yours. But they were at least partially born from your circumstances in that life. You haven't acted on anything like that here. You don't hate people. You're kinder and calmer in this life. How do we know for certain that you couldn't have turned out at least somewhat similar in your past life, if things had been different?

[He's quiet for a long moment; his eyes slide closed again.]

...I can't do this right now. I... Don't. Please.

Okay.

[There isn't any hesitation; he's certainly not going to push Wesker.]

I'm sorry. I... I know this is a lot to deal with.

[He isn't sorry for saying it, but he certainly didn't mean to hurt Wesker any.]

You don't have anything to apologize for.

[He moves to pull his hand away; goes to get up, if he's allowed.]

...I'll come back, I just need a moment.

[He doesn't want Wesker to leave, but...]

Of course. Take as long as you need. I'll be here.

[He'll move so Wesker can get up, and true to his word, he'll stay right here.]

[Wesker is gone for a while once he disappears upstairs; it takes him longer than he'd like to settle himself, to calm down, to stop the strange aching in his chest. He's breathing hard, and it has nothing to do with exertion; everything about this hurts, for a reason he can't even begin to explain, and for a long while he just stays in the bedroom and lets it pulse through him until it subsides, until it passes and what he's left with is the usual cold oblivion.

For the first time, he finds it preferable to feeling anything.

He'll eventually manage to get himself reasonably sorted out, however, and he makes sure he's presentable when he makes his way back downstairs; presumably Jaeger is still in the study?]

[Yes, of course he is. He's messing around on his phone, but he doesn't seem particularly invested in it and when Wesker enters he'll put the phone away.

...He's not really sure what to say, though. It takes him a moment to find something.]

Are you okay?

Yes, of course.

[He'll move to sit down next to Jaeger again.]

It was just a bit much, that's all.

That's understandable. I wasn't trying to overwhelm you or anything.

[He may not be apologizing, but he certainly does sound sorry. Jaeger hesitates for a moment before reaching out for Wesker's hand again.]

...I understand what you were trying to say.

[He'll let Jaeger take his hand, all right.]

Edited 2018-07-02 08:33 (UTC)

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