manufactured | INBOX

[...No, he'll move, it'll just...take him a moment to disengage.]

As long as you're sure, then.

[He'll pull back when Wesker does as well, though he sort of wishes it wasn't necessary.]

I am, of course. Thank you for everything, Albert.

[Including trying so hard with the physical affection.]

[He'll keep playing with Jaeger's hair, at least.]

...If you find yourself troubled by that sort of thing again, you can come to me. You know that, don't you?

[He appreciates it. It's nice...]

I know. I won't let it sit as long next time. But...

[He hesitates for a moment before pressing on with it anyway.]

What about you? Are you really okay after that?

[It's possible he is, but it doesn't seem likely.]

...I have my own set of things that are concerning me. I like being able to help you with yours.

[...]

You know I'll always listen, if you ever want to talk about them. I understand that it might not be something you can talk about, though.

[It's frustrating that he can't do anything to help, but he can at least be here for Wesker. He'll always be able to do that.]

And you don't have to worry about that any. You always manage to help me feel better. I want to be able to help you too, but I know that isn't always possible.

[The things Wesker's dealing with are much bigger than his own. Even if he can be closer to understanding some aspects of it, he'll never truly understand what Wesker's going through.]

[He's quiet for a long moment.]

...There are some things I won't talk to you about. It's as I've said before, there are certain things that it would be cruel to expect you to handle, and others that I simply don't want to put on you. I understand that you're curious, and that you want to help, but the burden of knowing isn't worth the exchange.

[He takes a moment to breathe once that's out there, though.]

I stand by what I've said; you're helping me enough.

[Jaeger doesn't like that answer, but Wesker does know him better than anyone else. If Wesker thinks he can't handle it, he probably can't. It's still frustrating, but eventually he nods.]

I understand. I'm glad I'm able to help you.

[It doesn't feel like it's enough, but he's not sure he'd ever feel like he's doing enough.]

Thank you for always looking out for me. I may not always like it, but I know you have my best interests in mind and I really do appreciate that.

["I may not always like it..."]

Maybe so, but you don't care for that answer, do you.

No, I don't.

[The answer comes easily enough, but the explanation is a bit harder.]

...I want to be strong enough to handle everything you're going through. I don't like that you have to suffer through it alone.

And what good will it do, having you suffer with me?

[The response is immediate, and a bit sharper than usual; he looks away, visibly, once that's out there.]

[Jaeger tenses once that's out there. He doesn't look away even when Wesker does.]

...I still think it's better than suffering alone.

I can handle it for now, Jaeger.

[It's quiet, but it's firm; he'll withdraw entirely at that point, not moving away per se but breaking off contact, folding his hands in his lap as he does so.]

They're my own actions, after all; they're mine to deal with.

[What happens if a point comes when you can't handle it? He wants to ask. What will you do then?

But ultimately he decides against saying it. Wesker's fine for now and that's what matters, right? He doesn't want to fight with his boyfriend and he certainly doesn't think digging in his heels will do any good. Wesker's fine, he can believe that, can't he?]

I'll always be here for you. Forever, okay? Even if there's nothing more I can do to help, I'll be by your side.

[He doesn't feel like it's enough, but it's all he can offer.]

[Again, he's quiet for a moment; he still isn't making eye contact.]

...That's more than anyone offered me back then, you know.

[...]

You'll always have that. No matter what you remember or how bad things get. I... I'm sorry you didn't have it back then, but I'm here for you now.

[...]

...I hated people then, in a way that I can't even begin to fathom now; it was all I was able to feel toward anyone. Even the people I had some fondness for - I tried to kill them whenever I had the chance.

Either kill them or use them or...hurt them, so they wouldn't leave me.

[His voice is remaining as even as possible, but his breathing is going strange and jagged; it's the first time he's admitted this to anyone, and he doesn't seem sure how to go about it, but it's working him up, that much is obvious.]

I didn't care about them, but they were mine, and I wasn't going to let them leave. And even if they did get away from me, I ensured that they would come back. That they would keep chasing me.

By the end of it, the hatred was all I had left. I didn't...have anyone, anymore.

[He's not sure he's making sense; he probably isn't. But the words are coming out harsher, more jagged, and he doesn't seem to know where he should be looking.]

[That's terrifying. To hate everyone like that... he can't even imagine it, really. He certainly didn't love people in his previous life, but he never got the sense he hated anyone, aside from maybe Alexei. He probably hates Alexei more in this life than he did in his previous one. He was just so tired in his last life.

But this? This is the sort of thing Wesker has been struggling with... well, it's no wonder he didn't want to talk about it. He's worked up and Jaeger doesn't know what to do. If this had happened earlier, he would have tried to touch Wesker, but that's the sort of thing that helps calm him down, not necessarily his boyfriend. It certainly wouldn't work now.]

Albert... I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how terrible things must have been for you.

[It's no excuse for what he did and what he tried to do, but...]

I'm here for you now, though. And you have Elda! You're not alone in this life, and you never will be. I'll always be here for you. You don't have to hate people like that ever again. You won't have to have people chase after you.

I... It's fine now. Obviously. But back then, I...

[He shakes his head, as though to clear it; it doesn't seem to work.]

I was so tired of humans. All they were good for was killing and betraying each other - destruction and abuses and atrocities, nothing else...

[He's... He's fairly sure that he's told Jaeger what comes next, in some capacity, but he doesn't think he's put it so bluntly in front of him before; even if he has, it doesn't stop him from saying it anyway, because it's where his mind goes, and right now...well, he's really not okay right now.]

...I was so preoccupied with judgement because it's what I was created for. To pass judgement on the human race, to decide who deserved to live and who deserved to die. And I decided that they all deserved to die.

That's the sort of hatred I felt, all the time. Enough to want to kill everyone, no matter how good they were to me in the short term. Because that didn't matter anymore, none of it mattered, everything would just stay the same unless I changed it. Even if I had to change the entire world deeply enough to ensure that the others changed with it.

[...]

I'm so sorry. That sort of life sounds... terrible, really. I wish there had been someone there for you.

[But even if there had been, it wouldn't have been enough. He's sure of that.]

I wish the world had been kinder to you. I wish you were never put in the position to try to decide whether everyone should live or die. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I'm sorry you have to relive it all now.

[It's frustrating; he doesn't know what to say or do but maybe Wesker just needs to get all of this out of his system. Maybe that will help in some small way. That's really the only thing he can hope for, because he sure as hell has no idea how to handle this.]

...It hardly matters.

[He's shaking.]

I had people that were there for me. Chris and Jill respected me. Krauser was willing to follow me wherever I brought him. There were a few others that I worked with that I don't even remember properly... And there was Excella, of course.

[...]

Things are different now. I know that.

But there are a lot of things about this that scare me. I don't...know how to articulate them.

It does matter! It's bothering you, Albert, of course it matters.

[Jaeger just wants to reach out and touch Wesker, but he resists the urge instead playing with the hem of his sleeve between his fingers.]

This must be incredibly difficult. I... To be honest, it sort of scares me too. I'm worried about you. I knew all of this was tough on you but I...

[He doesn't know how to end that, so he lets it trail off.]

[That actually gets him to look at Jaeger again; after a moment's hesitation, he'll reach out to take his hand lightly, gently prying his fingers away from his sleeve.]

Talk to me...?

[He can tell Jaeger is getting worked up; come on, it's okay.]

[He allows it, though he'd prefer to have something to do with his hands right now. He's a bit afraid he'll latch onto Wesker's hand and never let go.]

...I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be listening to you and here I am getting worked up. I'm really not very good at this.

[It's no wonder why Wesker doesn't want to talk to him about this sort of thing...]

It's just painful to know you're going through all of this and there's nothing that I can do to help. You've suffered through so much worse than I have and every time I think I have some understanding of your situation, there's always something else that you're stuck dealing with.

I want to be strong enough to stand beside you through whatever memories you still have to face. Maybe someday I'll be able to manage it.

[He's quiet for a moment at that; just thinking opposed to unable to find words.]

...If I didn't think you were strong enough, I wouldn't have agreed to any of this in the first place. Part of why I was hesitant was due to my past life; surely you recall that much.

I trust you, and part of that involves believing you can handle difficulties like this.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject