manufactured | INBOX

I... It's fine now. Obviously. But back then, I...

[He shakes his head, as though to clear it; it doesn't seem to work.]

I was so tired of humans. All they were good for was killing and betraying each other - destruction and abuses and atrocities, nothing else...

[He's... He's fairly sure that he's told Jaeger what comes next, in some capacity, but he doesn't think he's put it so bluntly in front of him before; even if he has, it doesn't stop him from saying it anyway, because it's where his mind goes, and right now...well, he's really not okay right now.]

...I was so preoccupied with judgement because it's what I was created for. To pass judgement on the human race, to decide who deserved to live and who deserved to die. And I decided that they all deserved to die.

That's the sort of hatred I felt, all the time. Enough to want to kill everyone, no matter how good they were to me in the short term. Because that didn't matter anymore, none of it mattered, everything would just stay the same unless I changed it. Even if I had to change the entire world deeply enough to ensure that the others changed with it.

[...]

I'm so sorry. That sort of life sounds... terrible, really. I wish there had been someone there for you.

[But even if there had been, it wouldn't have been enough. He's sure of that.]

I wish the world had been kinder to you. I wish you were never put in the position to try to decide whether everyone should live or die. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I'm sorry you have to relive it all now.

[It's frustrating; he doesn't know what to say or do but maybe Wesker just needs to get all of this out of his system. Maybe that will help in some small way. That's really the only thing he can hope for, because he sure as hell has no idea how to handle this.]

...It hardly matters.

[He's shaking.]

I had people that were there for me. Chris and Jill respected me. Krauser was willing to follow me wherever I brought him. There were a few others that I worked with that I don't even remember properly... And there was Excella, of course.

[...]

Things are different now. I know that.

But there are a lot of things about this that scare me. I don't...know how to articulate them.

It does matter! It's bothering you, Albert, of course it matters.

[Jaeger just wants to reach out and touch Wesker, but he resists the urge instead playing with the hem of his sleeve between his fingers.]

This must be incredibly difficult. I... To be honest, it sort of scares me too. I'm worried about you. I knew all of this was tough on you but I...

[He doesn't know how to end that, so he lets it trail off.]

[That actually gets him to look at Jaeger again; after a moment's hesitation, he'll reach out to take his hand lightly, gently prying his fingers away from his sleeve.]

Talk to me...?

[He can tell Jaeger is getting worked up; come on, it's okay.]

[He allows it, though he'd prefer to have something to do with his hands right now. He's a bit afraid he'll latch onto Wesker's hand and never let go.]

...I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be listening to you and here I am getting worked up. I'm really not very good at this.

[It's no wonder why Wesker doesn't want to talk to him about this sort of thing...]

It's just painful to know you're going through all of this and there's nothing that I can do to help. You've suffered through so much worse than I have and every time I think I have some understanding of your situation, there's always something else that you're stuck dealing with.

I want to be strong enough to stand beside you through whatever memories you still have to face. Maybe someday I'll be able to manage it.

[He's quiet for a moment at that; just thinking opposed to unable to find words.]

...If I didn't think you were strong enough, I wouldn't have agreed to any of this in the first place. Part of why I was hesitant was due to my past life; surely you recall that much.

I trust you, and part of that involves believing you can handle difficulties like this.

[Jaeger looks up at that, the smile coming easily.]

...Thank you. I'm really pleased to hear it. I'll try not to worry about that as much; I know you wouldn't say it unless you meant it.

[It's easier said than done, of course, but it is a relief to hear that Wesker thinks he can handle this.]

Of course.

[...]

It's never that I don't think you can handle it. Rather, it doesn't seem right to me to force you to handle it in the first place. Especially when there isn't anything to be done about it.

I understand, but I still think it's better than suffering alone. I may not be able to do anything to help, but I want to know what's troubling you. I want to be here for you, and I feel like I'm not able to do that if I don't know what's going on.

...I suppose that's fair.

[He sounds like he's considering, anyway.]

I admit that I also don't know how to discuss some of it.

[That's good to hear; Jaeger relaxes a bit.]

It's okay if you don't. I have trouble figuring out how to discuss some of these things too! Maybe it'll get easier with practice.

Perhaps.

[He'll let go of Jaeger's hand for the time being, trying to settle a bit.]

...I want to protect you - to keep you away from things that I know are going to hurt you. I don't want anything to bring you undue suffering, especially not when I'm the cause of it.

If I have to suffer, then it's because it's deserved; again, these are my actions, and I need to be handle the consequences of those actions. It doesn't seem fair to me to bring you into it.

[It's not an argument so much as it is an explanation, though.]

[He nods at that and settles. It's good that it's not an argument, because he doesn't really have any way to argue his point.]

I understand. And I do appreciate it - I know you're looking out for me and that means so much to me, but still... I want to be able to do everything I can to help you. I don't like the thought of you dealing with this all by yourself. I know it will be extremely difficult to handle, but I want to be here for you no matter what.

[He leans back against the couch a bit more fully at that; this whole thing is so...]

...I know that things are different now. That I have you, and I have others that are here for me if I need them to be. But I can't stop thinking that something is going to happen - that people will start dying because of me, that I'm going to do something that can't be undone. That I'm going to do what I'm expected to do and fall back into that level of hatred for everything, and there won't be any reasoning with it or trying to talk me down.

Beyond a certain point there was nothing to do but put me out of my misery. I keep thinking that it will happen again - that there isn't going to be anything worth salvaging.

[That's...it, in the end, or at least he's fairly sure it is; it's what things come down to. It's the sort of thing that's been on his mind since they found those notes - he can't get away from those sorts of people, those sorts of situations that led to all of that in the first place. He has no control over it, and no more free will here than he did back then; there's nothing to say that he won't just...break again.]

[Jaeger listens to all of that quietly and even once Wesker is done he doesn't speak up right away. It's difficult to know what to say to that, but he isn't worked up like he was before.]

...I don't believe that you'll ever become the same person you were. Your experiences are too different here. I don't believe you'll ever do the same sorts of things either; I don't believe you'll hate people the way you used to. I think it's a good thing that you're worried about all of this, even though I hate to see you upset by anything.

[He's not sure how to address that last part, but it doesn't sit well with him. If Wesker really did go down that path... would there be anything worth salvaging?

He doesn't say anything about it, because he doesn't want to think about it.]

[It takes him a while.]

...Elda has said that she'll stop me. Should it ever come to that.

Besides, I've been open about it. People know.

[Which likely says a good amount about the faith he doesn't have in himself to not do anything like that again, but at least it's something.]

I don't expect you to do anything about it, should something like that arise. It isn't something I would knowingly put on you.

[He can see why Wesker would want people to know if he has no faith in himself, but it's still sort of troubling. Jaeger eventually nods, though he's having a hard time looking at Wesker.]

Thank you. I want to say I'd stop you too... but I don't know if I could.

I still don't think it'll come to that. But if it ever does... things will be different this time. I'm sure of that.

...Do you think so?

Of course I do. You've been open about this, ja? And besides, you have Elda! Things would be different, if it really did happen.

...I've been trying to keep anything like that from happening again. But it...troubles me, when everything we discover about Retrospec continues to be things like...

[He trails off a bit, though he offers a vague encompassing gesture; all of that. Reminders of Spencer and the corporation and how things used to be.]

...I understand. I sincerely wish they weren't like that, but I suppose there isn't anything we can really do about it.

[It's frustrating to know that the information they find is going to hurt Wesker, but there's nothing to be done about that either.]

Will you talk to me if you think things are getting worse? I may not be able to do anything to help, but... I'd like to know.

[...he really doesn't want to, but while we've been having honesty hour...]

...I've been having some emotional difficulties lately, but I'm not willing to make assumptions regarding them just yet. That's all there is otherwise, outside of everything I've already told you.

Emotional difficulties? What do you mean by that?

Problems feeling things the way I should, that's all. It's all rather muted, but not unbearable.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject