Don't feel bad about it. The only reason why I hadn't killed him before that was because I thought he might have a solution for getting that thing off your chest. I absolutely would have killed him earlier if I'd thought otherwise.
[He doesn't sound upset or bothered by that at all. It's something that still doesn't sit right with him, but he certainly doesn't blame Wesker for that.]
That device was... I don't know what it contained, exactly; we just called it P-30. It was designed to enhance physical performance and increase aggression, as well as make the subject more susceptible to suggestion.
I'm worried you'll be hurt like that again. Not in exactly the same way, of course, but I... really don't like to see you hurting. I don't want anything to happen to you.
[His grip tightens on Wesker's hands again before he decides to let go entirely and move to latch on, if Wesker will let him.]
I'm sorry. It's... really difficult, ja? But I'm going to be right here, and I meant every word I said to Spencer. I'll repeat it as many times as you need to hear it.
[...Oh. Oh, he'll...right, okay. It takes him a moment to realize what Jaeger is doing, but he'll shift to pull him a little closer once he has.]
You don't have to worry about me. I'll be all right; I have difficulties from time to time, but it isn't anything to be concerned about.
[...]
Sometimes I have doubts about things. Whether there really is a place in the world for someone like me. It's something that I've always questioned, not...just recently.
[He settles easily once Wesker's pulled him closer, though his grip is tight.]
I know you'll be all right. You always are. But I can still worry about you a little bit, ja?
...There's always a place for you in the world. I don't think the world is a cruel enough place to reject anyone outright like that, but even if it was, you'd always have a place with the people who care for you.
[He'll return the nuzzling, though; it doesn't seem desperate at all.]
It's something I've always been aware of, that I'm not like most people. Seeing what my past life was like often makes me wonder if that's why - if I'm just inherently flawed, or otherwise so fundamentally broken that there's no sense in trying.
It isn't something that's constantly on my mind, but it is there. I know you've been trying to encourage me to not think of it like that, but it's difficult to ignore.
[He's quiet for a moment, but he doesn't stop with the nuzzling. It is desperate on his end, though.]
...There are some things you can have a really hard time letting go of, so I get that. I really do wish you could see things the same way I do, though.
Just because you're different doesn't mean you're flawed. Everyone's different in their own way; that's what makes us all so fascinating. Yes, some of the differences are extreme, and maybe they're even differences that are worrying or frightening. That doesn't make anyone inherently broken.
I just... I really don't believe people can start out broken. They can be broken, yes, sometimes very early on, even. But I don't believe...
[He trails off there, not really sure how to continue.]
[He lets Jaeger continue to nuzzle him, though he shifts a little where he's sitting to start running his hand through Jaeger's hair, the motion gentle and repetitive.]
I know this sort of thing upsets you; I shouldn't dwell on it.
[He's quiet for a moment, though. Gathering thoughts.]
I don't hate myself like I used to, you know. I don't think that I deserve less than anyone else, and I... It's taken a long time, but I don't believe that I deserve to die for how I am, and who I used to be.
You've helped me so.much with that. I don't think I've really thanked you properly for it.
[He leans into the hair-playing for a moment before he returns to nuzzling Wesker. It takes him a moment to respond, but he's definitely calmed down some.]
I'm really happy to hear all of that. It... It really does mean so much to me that I can help you, in any way. Even if it's something small, it makes me happy.
So this... I... I'm not really sure I know what to say to this. I'm really glad that you don't feel you deserve to die any longer, that's... It's very important to me.
I admit that part of it is that I don't want to do that to you. That sort of thing would affect you as well, obviously; I don't want to leave you like that.
It doesn't mean any less because it's partially due to you. If anything, that makes it more important to me.
[He keeps playing with Jaeger's hair, softly.]
You aren't going to lose me. I've promised you that before, and I meant it.
[Admittedly, the fact that Zee's apparently been taken out permanently is a little nerve-wracking, but he's fairly sure his own abilities can make up for it without relying on Retrospec to revive him.]
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[He doesn't sound upset or bothered by that at all. It's something that still doesn't sit right with him, but he certainly doesn't blame Wesker for that.]
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[...Brainwashing, basically.]
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[Increased physical performance and aggression? He absolutely would have died if Wesker had attacked him, damn.]
I'm sorry you had to deal with that in the first place, especially being controlled by someone like Spencer.
[He might not like Birkin, but hatred is reserved for Spencer.]
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[That's...it's really all he can say to something like that; he falls silent afterwards, though he isn't letting go of Jaeger's hands.]
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[His grip tightens on Wesker's hands again.]
It was... difficult, but I'm happy I could be there for you.
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[He knows he keeps asking, but...]
You've seemed...troubled, somewhat.
[He's noticed that you haven't wanted to leave his side for anything.]
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[...]
I'm worried about you. I know that's nothing new, but seeing all of that... It's certainly concerning. I don't... really know how to help either.
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[It's calm, though, there's nothing pointed behind it.]
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[...He doesn't know how to finish that, exactly; just...give him a moment to try again.]
Did what Spencer was saying bother you?
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[His grip tightens on Wesker's hands again before he decides to let go entirely and move to latch on, if Wesker will let him.]
I'm sorry. It's... really difficult, ja? But I'm going to be right here, and I meant every word I said to Spencer. I'll repeat it as many times as you need to hear it.
[And maybe... maybe it'll help a little.]
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You don't have to worry about me. I'll be all right; I have difficulties from time to time, but it isn't anything to be concerned about.
[...]
Sometimes I have doubts about things. Whether there really is a place in the world for someone like me. It's something that I've always questioned, not...just recently.
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I know you'll be all right. You always are. But I can still worry about you a little bit, ja?
...There's always a place for you in the world. I don't think the world is a cruel enough place to reject anyone outright like that, but even if it was, you'd always have a place with the people who care for you.
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[Another of those things, then.]
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[He leans in to nuzzle Wesker.]
At the very least, you'll always have a place with us.
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[He'll return the nuzzling, though; it doesn't seem desperate at all.]
It's something I've always been aware of, that I'm not like most people. Seeing what my past life was like often makes me wonder if that's why - if I'm just inherently flawed, or otherwise so fundamentally broken that there's no sense in trying.
It isn't something that's constantly on my mind, but it is there. I know you've been trying to encourage me to not think of it like that, but it's difficult to ignore.
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...There are some things you can have a really hard time letting go of, so I get that. I really do wish you could see things the same way I do, though.
Just because you're different doesn't mean you're flawed. Everyone's different in their own way; that's what makes us all so fascinating. Yes, some of the differences are extreme, and maybe they're even differences that are worrying or frightening. That doesn't make anyone inherently broken.
I just... I really don't believe people can start out broken. They can be broken, yes, sometimes very early on, even. But I don't believe...
[He trails off there, not really sure how to continue.]
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I know this sort of thing upsets you; I shouldn't dwell on it.
[He's quiet for a moment, though. Gathering thoughts.]
I don't hate myself like I used to, you know. I don't think that I deserve less than anyone else, and I... It's taken a long time, but I don't believe that I deserve to die for how I am, and who I used to be.
You've helped me so.much with that. I don't think I've really thanked you properly for it.
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I'm really happy to hear all of that. It... It really does mean so much to me that I can help you, in any way. Even if it's something small, it makes me happy.
So this... I... I'm not really sure I know what to say to this. I'm really glad that you don't feel you deserve to die any longer, that's... It's very important to me.
[His grip has gone really tight again.]
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[He trails off there, then decides he doesn't want to continue.]
I'm glad that's not something you want, even if it is in part because of how it would affect me.
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[He keeps playing with Jaeger's hair, softly.]
You aren't going to lose me. I've promised you that before, and I meant it.
[Admittedly, the fact that Zee's apparently been taken out permanently is a little nerve-wracking, but he's fairly sure his own abilities can make up for it without relying on Retrospec to revive him.]
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[He settles a bit, the last of the tension leaving him.]
I really appreciate it. I always want to be right here with you.
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