manufactured | INBOX

[Something in that strikes him oddly; he hesitates for a moment before trying to say anything, because he isn't sure how to even begin to address- ]

...You think this will make you happy, then.

[He...doesn't really know what to do with that, if he's honest.]

Of course it will!

[Of all things to be asked, he absolutely wasn't expecting that. It gets him to focus on Wesker again.]

I'm certain of that. I'm willing to risk just about anything to be with you, Albert. You know I usually try not to be reckless.

[It doesn't always work, but he tries sometimes.]

At least not until giant monsters are involved.

[...That is the driest comment on the fucking planet, but it's not as though he isn't the same way and he knows it. Besides, not the point.]

...I do understand, however. Particularly given what you've told me, regarding past relationships of yours.

However, this isn't something that I can allow, just from an entirely practical standpoint. The potential risk is likely not worth the reward.

[Normally he'd comment about how giant monsters are fun, but Wesker moves on and Jaeger sighs.]

Is that really what you want? Leave practicality out of it. Are you really content with leaving things the way they are?

Why would you expect me to leave practicality out of it, when it's a valid reason to leave things as they are?

[ohhhh god, here we go.]

We can't afford to make decisions based on hopes and dreams anymore, and I'd think it'd be incredibly obvious why - this entire situation is well beyond our control. And besides, you continue to tell me that you still want this, even if things go badly - does it really not occur to you that maybe I don't want to cause anything like what happened with Excella ever again, and if something on that level were to end up happening to you, I either wouldn't want to live with myself anymore or I would be so far gone that I wouldn't care, and that isn't something I really want to contemplate as an actual possibility?

I've been given very little reason to be optimistic about my own outcome, as far as any of this goes. That's going to bleed over into any relationship that we may have - I'm not going to disregard practicality, because Retrospec has proven to me already that I can't afford to.

[Jaeger glances away again, but the fight hasn't left him just yet.]

Don't you have any faith in who you are now? You're worried about all of this - surely you don't think Retrospec can completely destroy that? If you weren't worried about hurting me, then maybe I'd start second guessing this, but that's part of why I care so much for you! You aren't the same as you were in those memories and you never will be!

I can't believe that all of our experiences and feelings don't matter. They do and they've shaped us to be who we are now. We aren't going to lose that, no matter what Retrospec does to us.

We can't know that. We have no way to know that for certain, and if anything it seems to just be a recurring theme for me that what I want for myself in life either isn't going to matter because it doesn't suit someone else's design, or it's going to end with people dead if I try to change it any.

[That... He isn't altogether sure where that came from - it escapes him almost completely unprompted, though he doesn't seem inclined to amend it or try to figure out what the fuck to do with it now that it's out there. It's entirely true, however, from what he can tell; Jaeger's seen it as well, given the incident involving Spencer.

It's just the way things are; it's not a reason to give up, but the last time he tried to do anything about it he apparently tried to kill six billion people, so...]

That's how it was in the past. That may not be how things are now, though. We have no way of knowing right now.

[He reaches a hand out for Wesker's, though stops just short of touching him.]

You trust me, ja? Then trust that we can do this together. We can face this, I know we can.

[His hand's shaking a bit and he tries to steady himself. Jaeger hates hearing Wesker talk like this, but the honesty is appreciated.]

What do you want for yourself, Albert?

[There's an argument to be made about how that's exactly how things are now - about how anything he may have wanted for himself here, any of these memories and experiences that Jaeger is using as an excuse for hope and baseless optimism, all of that may have been designed by Retrospec as well. They're no less manufactured than anything he may have been in the past, and that's going to be the thought that he's unable to dismiss in the end and he's entirely aware of it.

But he bites it back when Jaeger reaches out for him, and while he doesn't move to take his hand he doesn't like the way he's shaking, either.]

...There are things we need to discuss, regarding my memories. Say what you want about bringing practicality and logic into this, there's at least one thing you deserve to know first.

I'm not going to make any decisions now, either way. This isn't something I can do lightly. Surely you understand that much.

[Jaeger hesitates for a moment longer before deciding fuck it, he's taking Wesker's hand anyway. It'll at least calm the shaking for the time being.]

I understand. I'll listen, whenever you're ready to talk about it.

[He's certain it won't change his mind any, but it seems like there's always just one more thing he needs to be told about Wesker's terrible memories. How does he handle all of this without going insane?]

And I won't rush you to make a decision either. I know how important this is and I do understand how poorly things could go.

[He's just willing to trust hope and baseless optimism.]

...The thing you need to know is the second thing I remembered about who I used to be, if I'm keeping everything straight. I didn't have any context for it at all until recently; either way, it's...

[He doesn't finish that; he isn't altogether sure where he was going with it, honestly. He doesn't try to move away from where Jaeger's got his hand, however; he allows it, and after a moment he'll return his grip a bit.]

I told you that there were three people that I recalled infecting with the virus that caused those mutations. Uroboros. One of them was a random test subject; one of them was Excella.

I was the third.

[Why were you like this. Ohhhhhh my god.]

Why? Surely you knew what would happen after seeing what became of both of them...?

[He tightens his grip on Wesker's hand, though. He's not letting go, don't worry.]

...I knew, yes. It was an entirely informed decision; I knew full well what the results would be.

[jesus christ.]

Do you remember what happened after that?

[Or did this just end with "and then Wesker died" because, um.]

No. It's... That incident seems very disjointed, even compared to some of the other things I've remembered. It was very warm, wherever I was; I was standing on top of soemthing, there were...missiles...

[...Oh. Oh, god, that just made a whole lot of realizations click at once. All of the human experimentation, the leeches, the feeling that the incident with the giant plant creature was interesting rather than something unnatural or to be feared, covering up illicit dealings by working with the police for a while, creating all sorts of literal monsters, the fact that he was planning on using missiles full of fucking viruses for something and he really wanted to end the world - ]

...Bioterrorism. I was some sort of...bioterrorist, I think, that's what I was doing with all of this.

[That. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it.]

...I would ask why, but I suspect you don't know.

[Ohhhhhhh my god. Okay. Sure. You were a bioterrorist. This is just lovely. That said, his grip hasn't loosened on Wesker's hand at all.]

I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what to make of all of this. It certainly is something.

[jesus christ.]

Of course I don't know.

[It's...fortunate that Jaeger isn't letting go; he can feel his own grip tightening a bit, despite himself.]

This is another reason why this is a terrible idea, you know - I honestly don't foresee this getting any better.

[It's...dry, though, when he says it; he doesn't seem genuinely upset about this realization, it's just kind of inspiring a lot of internal "hahahahaholy shit" rather than striking him as ultimately disturbing.

If anything, it's...well, it's not anything he'd quantify as nice, but in its own way, it's something of a relief to know? All right. Bioterrorism. Sure. You know what, that's fucked up. But at the very least it makes a lot of things make a whole lot more sense than they did previously. Silver linings, goddamn.]

[You've got to take your silver linings wherever you can find them...!]

Well, it's not like that's surprising! Besides, I'll probably find out one way or another, even if we don't pursue this.

[He's sort of smiling when he says it, but the expression's more because he's not sure what to do with his face. Hahaha holy shit indeed. Your life really does suck.]

[You know, that is about the point at which everything in his head seems to reach some sort of bizarre tipping point - this is the culmination of almost six months of sorting through a bunch of random memories that he's been collecting from nowhere like some sort of fucked up scavenger hunt, and he's spent entirely too long trying to piece together this whole wretched mass of memories only to come to the realization that the answer is bioterrorism, because of goddamn course the answer is bioterrorism, because why the fuck wouldn't the answer be bioterrorism, and the fucking punchline is that that conclusion is an absolute relief to come to because it's the one thing that's managed to make any sense whatsoever, and that...

...It's a bit much, really, and he isn't entirely sure when he feels something slip but the fact of the matter is that something does, and he lets his hand slip away from Jaeger's in favor of kind of burying his face in his hands, though the gesture is light and kind of hard for him to maintain because he's shaking so much, and he isn't sure when he started laughing but the fact of the matter is that he quite suddenly is, though it's the sort of light, breathless thing that implies that it's happening because oh my god, what the actual fuck else is he supposed to do with himself right now.

...

I mean, words? Words should probably be happening right about now, because this probably looks a bit alarming, but words aren't going to be happening for a while, hold on.]

[Oh. Oh dear. That's definitely not a good sign, um. Jaeger freezes for a moment, just watching Wesker before he abruptly gets up from his chair. Once he's standing he hesitates again before resting one hand on Wesker's shoulder.

He should probably say something, but for the life of him he can't figure out what the hell to say. What do you say to something like this?

In the end, he doesn't say anything at all. But he's here, and surely that has to count for something.]

[There really isn't much to say to it, in fairness; just...give him a moment and it'll pass.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

He flinches a little bit at Jaeger's touch, but it's not because he dislikes it - it was just unexpected, because he's a little distracted right now and god, he doesn't know what his head is doing but the fact of the matter is that it feels kind of strangely nice to let go of the tight control that he's been holding himself under for a long time now and to just be really, really blatantly not okay for a moment.

After that moment passes, though, he'll begin trying to calm himself down - to take deeper breaths and pull his hands away from his face, to try to make himself settle a little and get his expression back under control and god, this is all harder than he'd like it to be, and he's still feeling really off in the head but he can worry about sorting that out later, for now Jaeger is near him and that's...he's all right with that, he likes Jaeger there, it's fine.

...Words still aren't really a thing but at least he seems to be figuring himself out. Still shaking, but getting himself sorted a little.]

[Jaeger doesn't speak until Wesker's started to calm down some.]

...Are you feeling any better?

[And that's possibly the stupidest question he could ask. He winces.]

Sorry, that was stupid. It's an awful lot to take in, after all.

[It takes him a moment, but...]

...I understand what you meant.

[So at least there's that much. It's not precisely an answer, but he does get it.]

I'll... Well, I'm sure I'll manage.

[Jaeger pats Wesker's shoulder reassuringly before he returns to his seat.]

You always do. But as I've said before, it's okay if you need to take some time before you're okay again.

No... I tend to think it's better if I can return to normalcy as quickly as possible.

[...It's still kind of breathless and weird-sounding, but at least he seems to be controlling himself a bit more thoroughly now.]

I understand that these things may take time, but continuing to dwell on it isn't going to be productive... It won't get me anywhere, in the end, so I see little sense in it.

[...]

I know you don't like the idea of taking everything from a practical standpoint, but it's easier for me that way.

INBOX | RECOLLE

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)