He doesn't know what to say to that and it's obvious, and his hand has gone still against Jaeger's hair, and even after Jaeger is done talking to him he remains quiet for a rather long time.
He doesn't seem upset, or even particularly overstimulated; just like he's trying to process what's being said to him, and it's taking a while but he's not dismissing it outright, and he isn't sure how it's sitting with him but it's...
Well, he's working on it. Give him a moment.]
I'm not going to give up, you know. Regardless of what happens. And I know you'll be with me for as long as you're able to be.
You mean so much to me; I want you to know that. Don't ever doubt how much you do for me.
[He doesn't break the silence for once; he certainly doesn't want to try to rush Wesker any. This is a lot to deal with, after all. He's not moving though, but at least he isn't tensing up again.
When Wesker finally does find words they get Jaeger to smile.]
I know. If I can, I want to be by your side forever.
I'm really happy I'm able to help you. You mean so much to me as well... I love you so much, Albert.
I don't believe I'm capable of being a good person. Not in the way that others are. So I still don't know what I want for myself just yet, overall. I suppose I've never really known for sure.
Kei speaks to me often about how our actions can serve as redemption for our past lives - that because our souls are the same, our choices now can lead to salvation of who we were then. I don't know how I feel about that, or if I deserve such a thing in the first place. But it's something I think about from time to time.
...Part of what I've been working on has been sorting through exactly what happened in my past life. I understand why a fair amount of it happened, and I think I understand what I was trying to do at various points, but my actual grasp on the events themselves is tenuous at best. I think it's...important to know that, so I can try to figure out what route I should take now.
...It's actually been something of a relief so far, given that I'm...not certain I'm responsible for as much as I initially believed.
I can explain in more detail once I'm done working through a bit more of it, but I don't think the number I was given was strictly accurate, and the number of lives I'm directly accountable for is much lower.
It's likely always going to weigh heavily on me, regardless of what I find out. The number of people that died as a result of my actions is still going to be extremely high. I don't feel I deserve to forget that, and while I believe that understanding my past life is important, I don't ever want to sympathize.
But I'm trying to find ways to make some sort of peace with it. I may not deserve that, either, but I can't keep living the way I have been with regards to it.
No, I understand. I think it's fair to want to find some sort of peace with it, all of us do. It's good that you're able to work through it some. I'm really happy you're doing better, Albert.
[His grip tightens on Wesker's hand at that. It's immensely difficult, he's sure of that, but it's really nice to see Wesker sorting himself out a bit.]
[He doesn't like admitting to that. He prefers to deflect or at least pretend things are fine, but he doesn't lie to Wesker.]
You've been going through so much, and I... don't really know how to help. I'm glad I'm able to, but I always feel like I should be able to do more. I know that's not always possible and the thought's probably irrational... but I really don't like seeing you in pain. I'd do anything to make things easier for you.
[He does manage to look up after that, though.]
That's why I'm so happy you're doing better now. It's really nice to see.
...I know that I'm not an easy person to be with, normally. Particularly so with all of the complications caused by Retrospec. I'm always going to have difficulties of some sort or another, it's just something I've accepted.
But you make things bearable for me. You're doing more than enough, and I don't ever want you to have to worry that you aren't. Just being with you would be enough for me.
I'm really happy to hear that. It really means a lot to me that I can make things easier for you.
I know I say it a lot, but you really do make me so happy. Things can be really tough sometimes, yes, but it's always worth it. Don't ever question that.
[He finally loosens his grip a bit on Wesker's hand, though he's not letting go entirely.]
...It's all right. I...know that I'm likely not being terribly fair with regards to all of that; that's why I wanted to ask you about it in the first place.
You're right, I don't think you're being fair. I... don't know if I managed to explain my thought process behind that at all beyond "I don't like it", so you have my apologies for that. It's a bit difficult to figure out how to put my thoughts into words when I get worked up like that.
I don't mind talking about it, though. If you have any questions - at any point - I'll try to answer them. I can't guarantee I'll manage it very well, but I do want to let you know how I feel.
It... scares me, I think. It isn't as though I'm afraid of something specific happening, it's just...
[How does he explain this...?]
If someone else were to say something like that about you, I'd be furious. It's a terrible thing to say about someone else, ja? But because you're saying it about yourself, I... honestly don't really know how to handle that. It worries me instead of making me angry. You're usually very stubborn about these sorts of things, so I don't expect to change your mind and that... Well, it upsets me. You're never going to see yourself the way I see you, even though I really wish you could.
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He doesn't know what to say to that and it's obvious, and his hand has gone still against Jaeger's hair, and even after Jaeger is done talking to him he remains quiet for a rather long time.
He doesn't seem upset, or even particularly overstimulated; just like he's trying to process what's being said to him, and it's taking a while but he's not dismissing it outright, and he isn't sure how it's sitting with him but it's...
Well, he's working on it. Give him a moment.]
I'm not going to give up, you know. Regardless of what happens. And I know you'll be with me for as long as you're able to be.
You mean so much to me; I want you to know that. Don't ever doubt how much you do for me.
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When Wesker finally does find words they get Jaeger to smile.]
I know. If I can, I want to be by your side forever.
I'm really happy I'm able to help you. You mean so much to me as well... I love you so much, Albert.
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[...]
I don't believe I'm capable of being a good person. Not in the way that others are. So I still don't know what I want for myself just yet, overall. I suppose I've never really known for sure.
Kei speaks to me often about how our actions can serve as redemption for our past lives - that because our souls are the same, our choices now can lead to salvation of who we were then. I don't know how I feel about that, or if I deserve such a thing in the first place. But it's something I think about from time to time.
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I'll be right here for you, no matter what. I'm sure you'll figure out what it is you want for yourself in time.
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[That's really the most he can offer, isn't it...?]
I think it's good that you've reached a point where you can sort all this out. I know it weighs heavily on you, and I'm sure this won't be easy.
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I can explain in more detail once I'm done working through a bit more of it, but I don't think the number I was given was strictly accurate, and the number of lives I'm directly accountable for is much lower.
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[That's a relief to hear, honestly, for a good number of reasons.]
Let me know when you've worked through it, I really am curious to hear about it.
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[...]
It's likely always going to weigh heavily on me, regardless of what I find out. The number of people that died as a result of my actions is still going to be extremely high. I don't feel I deserve to forget that, and while I believe that understanding my past life is important, I don't ever want to sympathize.
But I'm trying to find ways to make some sort of peace with it. I may not deserve that, either, but I can't keep living the way I have been with regards to it.
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[His grip tightens on Wesker's hand at that. It's immensely difficult, he's sure of that, but it's really nice to see Wesker sorting himself out a bit.]
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The past while has been hard on you, hasn't it.
[It's not really a question.]
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It... Yes.
[He doesn't like admitting to that. He prefers to deflect or at least pretend things are fine, but he doesn't lie to Wesker.]
You've been going through so much, and I... don't really know how to help. I'm glad I'm able to, but I always feel like I should be able to do more. I know that's not always possible and the thought's probably irrational... but I really don't like seeing you in pain. I'd do anything to make things easier for you.
[He does manage to look up after that, though.]
That's why I'm so happy you're doing better now. It's really nice to see.
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But you make things bearable for me. You're doing more than enough, and I don't ever want you to have to worry that you aren't. Just being with you would be enough for me.
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I know I say it a lot, but you really do make me so happy. Things can be really tough sometimes, yes, but it's always worth it. Don't ever question that.
[He finally loosens his grip a bit on Wesker's hand, though he's not letting go entirely.]
Honestly, I don't know where I'd be without you.
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[He's quiet for a moment, though, moving to run his hand through Jaeger's hair again.]
...I'll try not to call myself defective anymore.
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[He knows he's not going to be able to change Wesker's mind about this, but as far as he's concerned that's a step in the right direction.
He'll lean into the hair-playing, as usual.]
Are you okay? This conversation was a bit rough...
[Maybe less so for Wesker, but it's still worth checking.]
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[You got...really upset for a while back there.]
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I don't mind talking about it, though. If you have any questions - at any point - I'll try to answer them. I can't guarantee I'll manage it very well, but I do want to let you know how I feel.
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[A lot, actually.]
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[How does he explain this...?]
If someone else were to say something like that about you, I'd be furious. It's a terrible thing to say about someone else, ja? But because you're saying it about yourself, I... honestly don't really know how to handle that. It worries me instead of making me angry. You're usually very stubborn about these sorts of things, so I don't expect to change your mind and that... Well, it upsets me. You're never going to see yourself the way I see you, even though I really wish you could.
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[It's said in a way that indicates he sort of knows, but wants confirmation anyway.]
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