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I see. And what prompted this...?

[hello there kei he was going to check on you anyway so at least you spared him the trouble NOW WHAT DID YOU DO.]

I decided to talk to the person I have an interest in.

Truly, a terrible decision.
~~I had thought, perhaps, with my desires for penance and~~

[ No. ]

I merely thought to get in one last "word," as it were, and believed I would be content with it.

He's grown tired of whatever "game" he thinks that I am playing. Not realizing that there is no "game."
And invited me over to have me explain it to him.
I've already called him an idiot for it.

But I also accepted.
I've not yet gone over, but felt compelled to confess these series of awful choices that I cannot stop myself from choosing.

[siiiiiigh.]

I told you that it would work out this way, more or less.

Yes. You did.
I merely thought if I was aware of it that it wouldn't happen.

As such my comment of belief I have at least average intelligence to be able to stop myself from what I'm aware will happen by just NOT DOING IT.

[...Why are you like this.]

I'm not going to chastise you like an errant child, nor am I going to tell you what you should be doing. Just be aware that this is going to continue to happen.

[ He wishes he knew. ]

That is more than fair.
The most you can do is sigh at this series of miserable events.

But I don't want it to continue to happen.
I want to conquer it.
That man is one that is suffering, too.
Not just in knowing me, but that is adding to his pains.
I have a wish to help him yet every time I try to give counsel to show that he is not an empty person, that he does, indeed, care about what he's feeling toward others --
I end up threatening his loved ones in the process.
I have no desire to hurt them.
I have no desire to bring harm to them.
There's no reason to even drag them into the mess presently happening.
Other than in a scenario to show that his reaction is one that proving that he cares.

...
I am not feeling the level of despair the nights before.
I am merely feeling frustrated at my lack of resolve.
Even if you say it will continue to happen, I want to be able to control it to do something of "good."

Edited 2018-03-10 02:50 (UTC)

Does it ever work? This threatening you're doing.

[ Yes, and no. But this is something that Wesker has told him would happen; it's the interest that outweighs his morals and reason. He lives his life so rigidly logical and rational with little regard to emotions. It is the first time that he has felt something so powerful that it overtakes him. Yes, that is the drug of it, but-- ]

No.
So I have no reason to continue with it.

[ It is Oda that he has interest in, anyway. Everyone else doesn't matter to him. ]

That's a poor way of wording it.
What I mean simply is I will not continue with it.
I cannot ask for redemption for my actions yet sin with my next.
In some ways, I'm offering you confession so that it is written.
In another way, it is me reminding myself to cease this madness.
It will go nowhere.
It will lead to nothing.
And writing it down in empty space, while good, does not feel as real as telling someone else.

Edited 2018-03-11 21:24 (UTC)

Of course.

It's part of the reason I'm as open as I am about the things that I've done; the weight of having others know rather than keeping it to myself is grounding. There are other things that I tell one of my friends almost exclusively, simply so someone else will know.

So I do understand, in a way.

Of course.

It seems like the actions of Kirei Kotomine are more personal rather than wide-spread. So it makes it more difficult to discuss. I don't even know how to discuss it widely to others, because it is merely someone who is cruel in words and complacency than actions.

But I did regain some good memories. Memories where he doubted himself and did not wish to continue to be accepting of such horror. It has given me some hope and so I believe that I'll be able to save myself without further incident.

That's good to know, actually - the good memories tend to make at least something of a difference, even if it's just easing one's mind somewhat.

[ Granted, the memories are seemingly from an earlier time, but if he doubted himself in the "past," perhaps, Kirei Kotomine doubted himself again. ]

Yes, you're right.
I am not feeling as cornered about anything.

I can't say whatever good memories you may have regained outweighed what you know, but I believe you are still deserving of the same peace of mind.

To be blunt, in my case it's more of a relief to know that I had things like "friends" and "halfway normal human relationships" back then, given that everything else is so blatantly bizarre.

Haha.
I can understand how that would, indeed, be a relief.
There is some bizarreness to my memories.
Talks of magic, for example.
A war where spirits and mages fight, is another hot topic.
So you're right in enjoying something normal to remember rather than just the odd.

Spirits and mages fighting, then... For what reason?

To with the Holy Grail.
No, not THE Holy Grail.
It is that is directly magic in origin.
And it has sentience.
Those chosen by it are forced then into a fight to the death.
But they do not fight alone.
I had to sit for an hour listening to myself explain this, and I won't let you suffer the same.
But in short, the Grail grants a wish.
One omnipotent wish.

And this is why Kirei's complacency frightened me and why I could not think of reason to explain what I'm doing to others. There is nothing damning in not caring since it is another's actions that are evil. Yet I find the complacency evil. How can I explain such apathy? [ Yes, Kirei tormented a child to break her into tears, but used only words and fond words at that. He wished to kill his wife with his own hands, but he did not do it in the first place. All he has is evil thoughts and complacent apathy to someone who is far more proactive than himself -- or so he's come to understand the man. ]

So people are fighting over some sort of magical relic in order to create a miracle of their choosing. Are you a part of this...? Because that seems a little counterintuitive to the notion that you were a priest.

[...HE'S STILL TRYING TO WORK OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.]

Yes, you get the first part.

I am the overseer of the war. An overseer is apparently part of the Holy Church and I was in the city itself as a priest.

You see, Albert Wesker, the war deals with mages fighting to the death, but magic has been decided to be kept secret. If the mages are not watched, not given any regulation, they would presumably destroy cities in their greed for a miracle wish. I say regulation, but honestly, if they keep the body count down and relatively secretive in who sees their battles, that is all that is really asked.

The Grail chooses who wins, but the winner is the last person standing with a Spirit. Oh, yes, there are Heroic Spirits summoned to fight with the mages. These Spirits are the only ones who can touch the Grail itself. They are manifestations of heroes in legend and proves the authenticity of the Grail by performing such a miracle in the first place, and just at the start of the war. That is part of the function of their summoning since mortal hands cannot touch it themselves.

For all this madness, the Holy Church doesn't care who wins just that there is not an incident.

I suppose, putting it that way, my complacency makes sense. I'm considered removed from the entire situation. Yet that doesn't change the fact I find my own thoughts in my memories sinful and repugnant.

Edited 2018-03-12 05:13 (UTC)

That is what gave me panic in our last talk. I began to believe those vile thoughts slipped into myself and would become reality.

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