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[Mm.]

It does and it doesn't. I had such a hard time the first time, over a year ago; I was terrified, honestly. It doesn't scare me anymore; it's...acceptance, I think, more than anything.

I don't care for it; I always have some difficulty immediately afterwards. But I'm not afraid of it anymore, and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

...I think that's natural, honestly. "Acceptance" is a good word for it. You've experienced it quite a few times in your memories, ja? It does seem like you'd eventually stop being afraid of it.

Perhaps, but it still doesn't seem right to me.

[...It's another one of those good person/bad person things, from the sound of it.]

I think I understand.

[He wants to tell Wesker that it's okay, but...]

I'm sorry. I know this is really difficult and even when things start going better this sort of thing is just going to... happen sometimes, I guess. But I'll be right here for you, I'm not going to leave your side.

[Ah, no, it's...

He shifts a little, running his hand through Jaeger's hair gently.]

...I don't expect this sort of thing to fix itself overnight. No matter what I think of him, the person in my memories is objectively an evil person; I don't expect receiving his memories to magically become easier simply because I've decided to try to understand him.

[He leans into the hair-playing easily, as usual. He doesn't really like thinking about it like that, but Wesker is right. The person he used to be was objectively an evil person. It's not something he's ever going to be able to agree to out loud, though.]

No, of course not. It's just... frustrating, I suppose. All of this. You've regained so many terrible memories and while not all of them have been awful, it feels like you've been forced to relive more suffering than the rest of us.

[Maybe it's not Retrospec's fault, but that's where his anger's directed at the moment.]

Jaeger, it's...

[He hesitates before he continues, however. He knows what he wants to say - that it's really no one's fault but his own, or perhaps his past life's, and this is more or less what he had coming to him - but for now he stops, and he breathes, and he continues to play with Jaeger's hair while takes a moment to find words.]

It isn't fair, is it.

[That's a start.]

I won't say that I deserve to experience all of this. But I know I can get through it. If I had to inherit anything from my past life... If I really must have something in common with who I used to be, then I'll find it good that I seem to have gotten his tenacity.

It's frustrating, and it's overwhelming at times, and it isn't fair. But I'll be all right, I promise.

Edited (jesus christ html) 2018-08-06 06:41 (UTC)

[He knows. He doesn't need Wesker to say it, he knows what he's going to say. But then he doesn't say it, and Jaeger relaxes a little from where he's tensed. The hair-playing's always nice and he leans back into it after a moment.]

...No, it's not fair. It's awful and upsetting and frustrating... and that's just from my perspective.

[...]

I know you'll be okay, though. No matter what you're put through, no matter what you have to face, I know you'll see it through. Giving up is never an option for you, but I still believe it requires a lot of strength to continue fighting through something like this.

I... really hate that you've been forced to suffer like this. But I really do believe you'll be okay.

...You keep trying to tell me that I'm a strong person. I don't know how much I can believe that, but I do appreciate the sentiment.

[...]

I just need some time to process things, that's all. It...troubles me, but I wouldn't say I'm suffering right now.

I know you're probably not ever going to believe it, but I want to let you know how I feel anyway.

[He repeats it a lot, but it's very important to him that Wesker knows, even if he can't believe it.]

I'm glad you're not suffering, at least. I'll be right here if you need to talk about it, and if you have nightmares you can always wake me up.

...You know I don't like doing that...

[He does appreciate it, though.]

I know, but it helped, didn't it? I really don't mind it.

...Jaeger, I'm fairly sure I just sat up with you and talked about Chris for an hour.

[IT WAS AWKWARD??]

Well, yes, but you were able to get back to sleep after that, ja? It definitely helped!

It did, but I'm certain you can think of plenty of other things to do in the middle of the night that aren't listening to particularly demented supervillain problems.

[like, i don't know, sleep.]

[He is trying so goddamn hard not to laugh at that. Look at all this effort.]

By now you should know that I'd sacrifice any amount of sleep if it meant helping you!

[That's fine, he likes that reaction, too.]

Oh, I'm aware, don't worry.

[You're an asshole. You're lucky he loves you so much!!]

Well, good! I don't want you to ever question that!

[He just laughs a bit, softly, before moving to nuzzle Jaeger again.]

You're good to me.

[He'll return the nuzzling, of course, and he really can't help but smile at that.]

I always try to be! I love you so much, after all! And besides, you're good to me too.

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